If this is your first holiday season after your breakup with your spouse, buckle up. Aside from all the normal holiday hassles and the mental and emotional adjustments you need to make to cope with the holiday season as a newly single person, you’re also about to be bombarded with a lot of highly personal questions.
Most people who feel compelled to ask questions about your marital situation are probably trying to be supportive – but some are just nosey. No matter what their motivation, however, the whole situation can feel intrusive and awkward. Here are some tips for dealing with these questions.
Be prepared for the expected questions
One of the most common questions you’re likely to hear is, “What happened?” Another popular question is, “Have you tried counseling?” and (if you have children), “How are the kids handling it?”
It’s inappropriate for people – even family — to expect you to discuss your marital woes and all the details over the Thanksgiving table or the Christmas eggnog. However, shutting down this line of questioning without creating tension can be tough – unless you’re prepared.
Rehearse a few stock answers. Responding with closed statements like, “Things happen,” or “We tried everything worth trying,” and “The kids are doing about as well as can be expected” can effectively communicate the idea that you don’t intend to be more forthcoming about the details – at least not right then. If the other party persists and you feel inclined to talk to them later, gently let them know that you don’t want to put a pallor on the festivities, but you’ll call to set up a coffee or lunch date to discuss the situation in detail.
Be ready for the advice givers
Someone in your social circle has probably been through a divorce of their own, and there’s always going to be that “know-it-all” aunt or uncle or cousin who wants to give you advice. They’re less likely to ask questions than offer their well-meaning advice – whether you want it or not.
The most effective way to put a stop to that kind of behavior is to say virtually nothing. If they ask if you want their advice, say, “I don’t think this is the time,” and change the subject. If they just start giving you their perspective without asking, interrupt as soon as you can and say the same thing. Then, promptly change the subject (or walk away).
If you’re going through a divorce, legal guidance can help you stay on track and protect your interests from start to finish.